"Once upon a time there was a woman, who wasn’t as young as she used to be, who sat at her table to write. It was very early morning, and she had just awoken from a night full of terrible dreams. In every dream she was lost and no one could hear or help her. After each dream she awoke, and thought it was over. But it wasn't: there was yet another bad dream, and then another.
She wasn’t totally unprepared for this to happen, for she was a wise woman and had seen signs of it coming. The flood last week, with the waters rising in the basement, had permeated her psyche like the mold that was beginning to grow, and the soggy destruction of her old books and keepsakes was not a good sign. She found she could no longer hold back the slow undertow of tears that she had forced back in her waking life. Kendra had indeed “entered a dark wood” and although the sun was out and all appeared well, she knew she had lost her way.
As Kendra sat at her table to write, she stared at the page and didn’t know where to begin. She, who taught and counseled others, now knew she was the one needing guidance. She knew what she knew, for she was wise in some ways, but she also knew that she couldn’t carry the burden of the rising waters alone.
As she began to write she thought about how she had spoken to others about the importance of containing water—the emotions—within the metaphorical banks of the river. But when the storm rains come to her house, and the Neptunian waters inundated everything Kendra and her husband had spoken sharp words to each other on how to solve this basement “dankness’—their words were filled with exasperation and frustration—and before they knew what had happened, they had wounded each other and felt more alone than before. It seemed as if the dankness of the water had invaded their psyches. And so separately they took turns slogging their tired hearts around the wet basement, trying to rescue what was salvageable.
But this wasn’t the whole story. The words were slow to come on this particular morning although she knew that feeling lost was often the beginning of any journey. New beginnings were often heralded by a Pluto-phoenix experience: destruction came before reconstruction, and Pluto signifies a metaphorical death and rebirth. She wanted that new beginning, and an ending of something, though she wasn’t clear about what that would look like. She did know however, that it was time to discern more clearly what it was in her life she needed to keep, and what she needed to release. She loved her husband, and despite their differences, she hoped with all her heart that the cracks in the relationship were simply the natural cracks of the tension of a long marriage.
But something else was gnawing at her as well. Something was summoning her to change. It was a yearning in her Soul and “a knowing" that she was being moved by the Universe outside of her own Will. Others had come to her with this same problem: some had spoken of feeling stuck, or of being torn between opposing desires, and some had the feeling that an unwelcome change was coming. They all needed reassurance that eventually all would be well. And Kendra believed this to be true: all things pass.
Kendra paused, sighed, and stared out the window at the naivete of the spring morning. She thought how each new day and each new birth feels fateful. It’s as if the lover or God or Muse is “doing unto me” something that will change my life forever. Will it be allowed space to enter? Will it find expression? Or will I resist?
She picked up her pen again and wrote: 'A wise woman takes care of herself, and yet seeks help from another. She asks for help but most of all, she asks her Self: What do I do now? And then she takes the time to listen. Kendra remembered being pregnant and how she had a way of waiting and attending to herself, going slowly and patiently. She endured being sick and feeling not quite right, because there was new life stirring within. There was fear and there was hope. As she grew larger each month, she learned to trust the process of change, and the sick feeling of being lost or being taken over by something else began to pass. In time the birth came, and all was well.'" Kendra hoped it would be the same now, but was not so naive that she didn't know the dangers. She put down her pen and walked outside. The air smelled fresh and good and clean. ~ Elizabeth Spring
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