"Addicted to Anguish" by guest blogger Donna Cunningham

Addicted to Anguish—

a Sketch of one Neptunian Type
©2009 by Donna Cunningham, MSW

Every planet in the birth chart and every trait associated with that planet exists along a scale of one to ten, with one being miniscule to ten being way over the top. People with Neptune, Pisces, or the 12th house strong in their charts are often compassionate, with great empathy and a willingness to help those who are suffering. When you shoot past seven on the scale for compassion, it begins to morph into something else—occasionally sainthood, but more often into being a sucker or rescuer.

If you’re familiar with addiction/codependency literature, rescuers (a.k.a. enablers) get enmeshed with people they’re trying to save in ways that are toxic for both. Over time, codependency becomes a full-blown addiction of its own. It eats up more and more of the rescuer’s life force and attention, leaving no room for growth or fulfillment. Worse, the addicted or otherwise dysfunctional person doesn’t get any better, because the rescuer protects them from consequences of the addiction. Enough—read the literature or go to the groups if you think this might apply to you.

What I want to talk about here are the high sixes and sevens on the compassion scale. It’s a sliding scale with adjustable costs depending on your available resources. It’s a case of pay as you go, and then keep on paying, because enough is never enough, not for the rescuer and not for the rescued.

I have a friend who’s at least a seven on the compassion scale, though she can slide to an eight at a moment’s notice. She’s got a great heart and is forever befriending those who are ill or down and out. The scruffiest, most bedraggled animals and humans we encounter on the street engage her sympathy immediately. Though a city-dweller in her mid-60s, she remains naïve, seldom recognizing signals that the individual is playing her.

She’s a loving person, and I admire her for her great empathy with the suffering souls of the world. A recovering New Yorker, I feel hard-hearted next to her. I recognize that she’s a far, far better person than I am. But, really, it’s sometimes a bit much. We went out for breakfast this weekend, and I caught a glimpse of a nine on the scale. I grasped for the first time the not so saintly underpinnings of her need to be needed. I saw why certain Neptunians live to suffer, to be martyred. I got that she is addicted to anguish.

So that you understand the foundation of these observations, I should mention that I earned a Master’s Degree in Social Work in 1967 and have been observing human behavior intently through more than 40 years of astrology and psychotherapy consultations. I’m not just some cynic.

Still, I don’t know how to describe her demeanor in a way that doesn’t make me look like a hard case. She….okay, wallowed sounds bad, I know. But she appeared to thrive on the welling up of empathy…to get enmeshed in the angst. That morning I could see that it’s a bit of living vicariously through other people’s sorrows. Most of us, when we live vicariously, love to partake of others’ joys or successes. As a people, we’re fascinated with the lives of the rich and famous, drinking in every detail.

As I tried to console her, I could sense a strange sort of excitement about being in that state, an almost sensual immersion in anguish. There was a glow about her that doesn’t usually exist, a tinge of ecstasy.

Experts in psychotherapy write that people who engage in self-inflicted pain—like compulsively cutting themselves with razor blades—tend to do so when they feel deadened, numb, and need intense stimulation to feel alive. On the emotional level, martyrdom—another Neptunian quality—can serve much the same purpose.

I spent time later that day trying to sort out what was going on—reflecting on my friend’s history and what’s been going on in her life the past several years. I came to the conclusion that feeling for others with the intensity she does may start out as compassion, and Lord knows she does a lot of good in our world. But part of the payoff is that when she merges with their pain, she no longer feels dead inside.

I’d guess we all feel deadened at times, and we all have our ways of coping. Neptune rules addictions, and addictions are one way, whether they be to substances, exercise, retail therapy, the various ISMs, dysfunctional relationships, or some combination of the above. My friend’s way of coping with numbness is probably better than most, and in the long run, makes the world a kinder place. It is not to be confused with saintliness, though Neptunians are often confused on that score. ~

Donna Cunningham is an internationally-respected author of books, articles, and columns about astrology, flower essences and other metaphysical topics. Her insights reflect her dual background in astrology and psychotherapy. She has a Master’s degree in Social Work from Columbia University and over 40 years of experience in working with people. Her ebooks can be found at Moon Maven Publications (http://www.moonmavenpublications.com) Visit her blog at http://skywriter.wordpress.com.

Book Review (with comments!) from "New Paradigm Newswire" for new book: "North Node Astrology"

“The question after all is said and done is just how accurate and satisfying is the North Node section of the book…when I finally read my own North Node analysis, I was happily impressed by the accuracy of its description. For me, it was a true mirror of my past and current life and spoke to me of the transition I find myself in now. I actually brought the book in to discuss with my therapist.”

(Wow…thanks Jeff…I’m impressed by your personal self-disclosure there!)

He goes on to say: “The author studied astrology for the past 40 years but only in the past 15 became fascinated with the North and South Nodes. For her they have provided a reminder of the negative core beliefs that had previously kept her out of alignment, disembodied and not authentically herself. Each of us is a wounded healer, a “Chiron” that knows the best medicine that cures. She calls it the North Node.”

(That’s true. There’s a lot of my self-disclosure and a bit of raw edginess that permeates the book. Now the next book—South Node Astrology-- and the new blog-ing posts will focus on the South Node, because the Nodes are on an axis that truly can’t be separated. The South Node will bring up the huge importance of how our “emotional memory” of love --both from this life and previous lives as shown on the birth chart-- both saves and ‘sabotages’ us.)


He continues to say: “Looking at life symbolically invites magic and synchronicity, disturbs the status quo, and renews a sense of faith and trust because you begin to see how your personal life story synchronizes with patterns that are larger than you and touch your connectedness to the whole of life. Meaning underlies apparent chaos. So to answer my initial question, can this book be of value, I would now answer a resounding yes. It combines the wisdom of a visionary psychologist with the synchronicity that astrology and particularly “North Node” astrology offers.”


Again…thanks Jeff! The full review can be found on Jeff Hutner’s site: http://newparadigmdigest.com/1498/northnode/

South Node Astrology; How Love Sabotages and Saves Our Lives

Sabotage? My hope is that the word “sabotage” in the title gave you a little jolt! Yes, “love” itself doesn’t sabotage, but the distortions and poverty of love (such as when we didn’t get “good enough parenting”) and our interpretation of what love is and isn’t— are the areas where “love” sabotages us. Every romantic movie and love song reminds us of how love “saves” us, but it’s in the therapist’s office that one hears the story of how love sabotages us. So the focus here will be in looking at our unique styles of loving—loving both ourselves, others and God. These were the first commandments we were given, and they certainly seem worth considering.


One of my hopes for this blog and new book is to explore how reframing our understanding of love and relationship can help us bring in more of its saving quality and less of its sabotaging—and ultimately to explore how it’s truly an “inside job” which is much less dependent on others than we may realize. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, and certainly don’t have perfect relationships, but I’m moved to delve into this territory. Want to come along? I welcome your thoughts on this….


So how does this fit with astrology? In exploring relationship patterns in astrology we look at the South Node, the Moon and to the planets Venus and Neptune. What happens when we have Venus and Pluto (God of the Underworld) in aspect in our charts? What happens when the Moon or Venus is squared by Mars? What happens when we keep repeating the mistakes of our South Node patterns, and keep coming up with the same unfulfilling patterns of “unlove” and bad relationships?


Love itself may be perfect—as the high expression of Neptune itself is perfect mystical love. But humans live primarily “Venus” love or “Moon” love—and it’s messy, confusing and imperfect. I believe it’s imprinted with the past life patterns of the South Node, in a similar way to how DNA is imprinted.


The strongest pattern to understand then may be the South Node in your birth chart. In Evolutionary Astrology, one is advised to “read” the South Node negatively; that is to understand it primarily as what we didn’t get right in the past. This past could be earlier in this life, or in former lives, or even what we didn’t get right yesterday.


It is the “Moon’s memory” not the Mercurial/linear memory, that is carried over from life to life. It is this memory that does not concern itself with facts, or details or stories, but holds simply the emotional impact—the drama and trauma of the Soul. We forget the stories of past lives, but something remains like a forgotten dream—and this “emotional hangover” is called the South Node of the Moon.


As you may know, the Nodes are mathematical points rather than planets, and are calculated by the intersecting orbits between the Earth, Sun, and Moon. Throughout the history of astrology these points have pointed to our re-incarnational history, for they describe where we’ve been (South Node) and where we’re going (North Node.) Like the compass that points North, or the astrolabe with the arrow shooting through the globe, these Nodes hold the “emotional memory” and trajectory of our lives.



As in dreams, and in all unconscious content, there is “gold” in these South Node patterns as well, and we carry over positive attributes, talents and inclinations as well as our default reactive patterns. It’s also been said in Vedic astrology that we give to others from the South Node what we know innately in our bones and psyche, and yet we feed and nurture ourselves from the soul wisdom of the North Node. This was the content of my first book, “North Node Astrology; Rediscovering Your Life Direction and Soul Purpose.”


This second book, of which this blog is the raw material of—concerns the nature of the emotional memory of the South Node. What do we remember emotionally? I believe it’s mostly about love and the presence or absence of Love. Relationships—and the burden we put on our relationships through our expectations and “styles of loving”.



In this blog and book, I’ll be delving into the changing nature of relationships (with a little more focus on what love is after the hormones/honeymoon/anima projections have worn a little thinner) and to ponder “styles of loving” with a minimum of astrological jargon. I’d like it to contain enough astrology so that you can look at your chart, and say “Ah-hah!” but not so much astrology that you get lost in technicalities. I’ll attempt to interweave the psychological and the astrological, the personal and the interpersonal, the theories with the messy “particulars” of our lives.


It’s a big subject. We live and love among many “layers of feelings”—why do we dislike someone’s style or persona and yet “love” the person they truly are underneath all that? We divorce, dismiss, and lose people in our lives, sometimes like so many scraps of paper thrown away, yet these people continue to remain in our psyche nevertheless.

But….we can choose to live between the layers of feeling, not discarding or despairing or thinking in black/white polarities, and still honoring all the layers of loving, liking, disliking, and the mystery of love which sits in our hearts.


Here’s what the poet, Stanley Kunitz, had to say about this in his poem, “The Layers.” He wrote this in reflection, towards the end of his life. (The blogging program has printed this as prose--forgive me, you readers who are poets!)

"I have walked through many lives, some of them my own, and I am not who I was, though some principle of being abides, from which I struggle not to stray. When I look behind, as I am compelled to look before I can gather strength to proceed on my journey, I see the milestones dwindling toward the horizon and the slow fires trailing from the abandoned camp-sites, over which scavenger angels wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe out of my true affections, and my tribe is scattered! How shall the heart be reconciled to its feast of losses? In a rising wind the manic dust of my friends, those who fell along the way, bitterly stings my face. Yet I turn, I turn, exulting somewhat, with my will intact to go wherever I need to go, and every stone on the road precious to me.

In my darkest night, when the moon was covered and I roamed through wreckage, a nimbus-clouded voice directed me: "Live in the layers, not on the litter." Though I lack the art to decipher it, no doubt the next chapter in my book of transformations is already written. I am not done with my changes."
~
~elizabeth spring www.elizabethspring.com Art by John Waterhouse

South Node Astrology; How Love Sabotages and Saves our Lives

South Node Astrology; How Love Sabotages and Saves our Lives

I’m just beginning my second book, a sequel to North Node Astrology—this one with the title above (and soon a new blog) to focus on that South Node aspect of astrology and the ways that love, and expectations around love, both saves and sabotages us. North Node Astrology focused more on life direction and soul purpose from the point of view of who and what we are doing in the world, and this new book would focus on how love, and lack of love, shapes our lives.


It’s a huge subject—love and loving is intricately bound up with our early attachment experiences with our parents and, in my opinion, from past life re-incarnational experiences. And as we age we develop attitudes, expectations and assumptions about how love operates in our lives. I believe quite simply that the more conscious awareness and insight we bring to this subject, the better our choices will be, and the happier our lives will be.


These two books, on the North and South Nodes, are intimately connected, because how we feel about ourselves and whether we have a sense of life direction and soul purpose, is related to our capacity to give and receive love from others. These North and South Nodes speak to those issues in our charts and they are the two of main issues clients want to know about in astrological counseling. Who doesn’t want to know: “How can I best fulfill my soul’s work and agenda, and how and when will I experience the sweetness of love—that which makes life worth living?”


There are so many types of “love.” Our culture is permeated with the ideal of romantic love as the saving grace--in music and movies we hear about the romantic “falling in love” and what the psychologists, the Jungians, call “anima/animus soul projections” wherein we lose our sense of Self/Soul by giving it (projecting it) onto the other person…the beloved. Ah…such a painful ecstasy. And there’s the soothing yet more sober love that can come at mid-age, with its loyalty, dependability, and willingness to work on the issues that inevitably arise in close one-one relationships. And then there’s the compassionate love that we feel towards others we don’t even know—those people who we may be sitting with us in the emergency room in the hospital when our hearts are open, and our mutual needs felt deeply.


In the astrological chart we look at how love plays out in our lives by looking at it through the lens of Venus and Neptune and all that they represent both in our personal lives and in myth. These two archetypes give us insight into this intense play of love and illusion in our lives. The planetary archetype of Neptune runs this gamut from illusion to disillusionment, escapism, co-dependency, addiction, and being “swept away” or being deceived and sabotaged up to the highest forms of compassion, inspiration, and divine love. It’s all in how we play it out.


Venus is a more “grounded planetary goddess” in that she represents human love in all its sensuality and messiness, and intertwined with all the dramas of relationship. Interesting too, how Venus in astrology relates to money! As a symbol of money, it reflects something of our power or lack of power to attract to us what we think we want or need…..for what we buy and identify with in the material world is a big part of how we define and judge ourselves and others.


So both Venusian love and Neptunian love help give us a sense of identity and purpose in our lives. In this new book, South Node Astrology, we’ll look at how they show up for you as principal players in your life story. The current book, North Node Astrology also delves into this realm, especially in the long chapters: “What’s Venus Got to Do With It? The Alchemy of Desire: Healing the Wounded Heart” and in the chapter devoted to Neptune. Both books are truly part of a whole.


South Node Astrology will acknowledge the importance of both our early life attachments to our parents as well as our past life default patterns of behavior. These two contribute heavily to how we think and feel and act on love in our life right now. But always the good news is that we can choose to continue to reframe our stories with understanding and compassion. We can make new choices based on new insights.


I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts about this…..although I’d ask you to distill the details of your stories to what you’ve learned and what insights you could share on this with the rest of us. You can respond personally at elizabethspring@aol.com or leave a short pithy insight or suggestion below in the comments section. www.elizabethspring.com