Lindisfarne

Oh Kendra~


I got a call from the British hospital late last night about Sophie. She had gone on “pilgrimage” to Lindisfarne—which she’d never told me about— I had no idea that her dream to walk to the Holy Island ‘through the waters’ to her sacred site meant crossing dangerous undertows of incredibly fast tides. I had no idea she planned to walk at night, by herself through the waters—it was a New Moon last night, and it must have been very dark. I still don’t know if she knew how many “pilgrims” had died this way; people like her, who didn’t swim, and got caught in the undertow.

Was she risking all for God? Was she depressed? Manic? Suicidal or---“enraptured”?



I’m leaving tomorrow….they said she had a concussion and was barely conscious by the time someone found her and pulled her out of the water—she had lashed herself by her belt to a pole that wasn’t that far from the island.



I feel so ashamed. I never told you that my daughter, Sophie is a Christian fundamentalist; the ‘only daughter of an astrologer’—ah... I feel Sophie must feel ashamed of me. Why do these beliefs come between us? Why did she go there? Was she hoping to become more…..faithful?



Will write more when I find out what’s happened….I’m off to England, to Lindisfarne, to the nearest little hospital in “Berwick-on-Tweed”. I wonder if they contacted her father, Alistair too—I can’t imagine seeing him again after five years….and meeting him this way.

!!!~ Isabelle

Dear Kendra, Sept 5th

Dear Kendra~

I just found this poem I wrote for Alistair and I, years before our separation, and it made me cry. I wrote it after we returned from a trip to France, and I believe there was a wonderful Neptune/Venus aspect happening at the time.



Neptune rules nostalgia, film and photographs, yearning, illusions, and combined with Venus it nurtures romantic idealism at its best. I remember thinking Alistair and I would be together always…such a sense of severance I feel now…



I called the Poem “Old Photographs” as I was imagining us looking together at photographs in years to come—and now it has been over two years that we’ve been apart. I don’t know how we will ever come around to finalizing the separation into a divorce; I certainly can’t do it. It all makes me sad. This must be part of Saturn conjuncting my Sun in the 7th house of marriage. Since Saturn takes over 2 years to travel through each section of the chart, each house, I wonder how it will play out for us? I suppose Saturn here is also capable of re-uniting us, but I haven’t seen signs of it…



Old Photographs

"I was in the café, sitting in front of the potted geraniums

wearing the straw hat I just bought.

I was writing a postcard to my mother

when I looked up to see the shadows

of the early autumn evening

dancing on the stucco walls.



Then you walked by—you were taking pictures of the light.

I watched you… trying to imagine what you were seeing there.

And then you turned your gaze on me

and shot this one here—

a little out of focus—but it was then that I saw them—

the tenderest eyes I’d ever seen.



Look. This is where we found ourselves standing later

by the edge of the river—the one Van Gogh painted.

We walked for hours feeling Van Gogh.

You talked apertures, lens and focus.



This was the hotel, Le D’Arlatan…

Do you remember wandering the back streets—

lost in the cobbled labyrinths—

till we found ourselves here?



The oversized antique bed held expectations. I felt shy.

You said—“Pull the curtains,” and I pulled the heavy curtains back.

I read you a poem by candlelight.

You smiled right into my soul—then served us farmer’s wine

in the opalescent glasses we’d bought that day.



I put the photographs down.

“It was so good,” you say.

“Like the wisp of a dream I can barely remember.”

I lean into your eyes; those milky apertures

transparent with the film of a lifetime.



Now, I offer you wine and pull the curtains open

catching the last dance of light on the peach colored walls.

You put on the old songs…

We sit in chairs by the window,

admiring the blue hydrangeas

our knees will touch, and we will speak about how

the quality of light makes everything different

and everything the same." ~



With love,

Isabelle

Private Journal, August 26

Private Journal, August 26, 2010


It was only in 1920, on this day, that women got the right to vote in the United States! Ah~ how those women struggled “to have a voice” and how we still struggle to find our true voice, our authentic Self and express it…every one of us.



This language of astrology has become a voice for me. But it’s strange how ambivalent I feel about it! I hate cocktail-talk astrology, and just don’t do it. And when I called Kendra after the last letter about her miscarriage, I certainly didn’t want to “talk astrology” but the language of the heart.



But there’s more to my reluctance. When I told her that I feel like a “reluctant astrologer” she asked me what I meant--and I couldn’t find the words! So now as I sit here writing in this journal I’m going to try to “think it out” and find my voice that is so often reluctant and ambivalent about astrology….

First there’s the good: this language has given me a voice so that I can speak and counsel others without pathologizing, blaming or shaming. It’s short term therapy—and all therapies—seem to me to me to be the same at the core. Different techniques, yes, and some better at different times, but doesn’t it all come down to: LOVE heals & INSIGHT heals. That’s the heart of it: understanding, catharsis/crying, and love. Love heals.



When astrology “normalizes” experience, as in “yes, that’s one of the ways that a Saturn Return will play out in your life” there’s comfort there, as one can feel connected to a larger sense of meaning and patterns—even a God—something that is not all about random chaos, and luck or the lack of it—or will power and the lack of it.



And when an astrologer listens well—there can be a sense of loving connection between them as well as this connection to a larger pattern of things—even if it’s only to sacred wounds we all carry.



There are times when astrology is “eerily” on target—when what I say and the details of the story of their life synchronize strangely. How could I know those things if astrology wasn’t at least partially true? How could I know that the key to a Pluto transit is about letting go and surrender, whereas the key to a Jupiter transit is “be careful what you wish for, as you may get it?” Hmm… Jupiter transits sound like a coaching session---“do you know what you really want?” whereas a Neptune focused session might be more like: “No, you’re not losing your mind or getting Alzheimer’s, but you just need to let it be OK to “not know” right now…and don’t sign on the dotted line either till this transit passes…!”



So….what’s the problem then….with astrology? With me? Bottom line: there is no way I or anyone else can say how a particular sign or aspect or transit will be played out. Too much variation; no tight foretelling or “signatures” for events. So when a planet, like Saturn, crosses the 4th house cusp, I can say to a person-- you’re going to start thinking about moving, or at the least, about radical re-modeling your home—because you’re wanting your inner sense of home and your outer physical home to be aligned, and there’s a change coming. But I have no idea if this will be played with joy or despair or just how the person will "rework" this foundation area of their chart...their home.



I wonder if it doesn’t all come down to the fact that we have free will and we’re separate Souls making choices? And so astrology is more like a weather forecast than a fortune teller’s prediction. I think if a fortune teller or psychic is right, it’s more likely that a person is in their default habitual pattern of doing things, and not aware of all their possibilities. I guess that’s what astrology should do….make us aware of these opportunities and challenges so that we make the best choices.



But still…I remain reluctant. What happens when we see multiple aspects that are challenging all at the same time? Like what I am facing in the next few years…I wonder if it plants a seed of anxiety? But maybe that’s not bad? I get to sense my mortality, so my decisions might be better. The Buddhists seem to think that meditating upon impermanence is a good idea. I’m not sure….think I'll go up to the art studio and get out of my head for awhile and into my paints....

Letter #9: Astro-Jargon and the Language of the Heart

Dear Kendra~


Last night I was sitting at dinner between two astrologers who were talking voraciously about their techniques--the rightness of the Placidus or Koch house systems, their views on declinations, mid-points, and orbs, and the disparity between Vedic and Western astrology. I found myself in a strangely quiet mood. They seemed like two jewelers exclaiming the beauty of their gems, the profundity of their skills—and their suspicious interplay left me hungry. I listened to their astro-jargon, thinking all the while that they were like bees gathering no nectar. By the time we got to the dessert, I finally found space in the conversation—and was aggravated enough to offer a different opinion.



"What about going deeper into the richness of this mythological language— what about the art of translating astro-jargon into soulful English--! What about bringing it into useful, practical insights drawn from simple techniques?" I challenged them--asking them what they would say to seeing Neptune squaring Mars in a chart and explaining that to a client. I wondered if they knew the simple “rule of three” where one looks to see if a psychological pattern is repeated three times in order to gage its importance. And finally I asked them if they knew that the Nodes have a way of pulling the whole chart together—they didn’t know that.



Perhaps I was not in a good mood for "parroting about" with the astro-jargon because I was thinking about your heartfelt letter. How could I reply to that? There wasn’t going to be any simple astrological insight that would make it better—only perhaps the knowing that I was hearing and feeling you..call it .love, friendship, caring...whatever.... and I was loving  the reflection you gave about the Moon and Pluto, and how the resonance between what happened and the astrological symbolism made you feel that you were part of a larger whole--you have been through a sacred wounding known to many women. It was a wise letter.



So now, instead of talking Saturn Returns and astrological aspects, I’d rather share with you these feelings that came up as I was having my morning coffee—this is what I wrote in my journal:



“When someone deeply listens to you, the fist-muscle of the heart relaxes and opens, in sweet surprise. When someone deeply listens to you, you begin to breathe. The heart extends itself like a child’s up-reaching hand and is held. It’s as if a cup that was half-empty now fills with waters of unexpected grace, and the touch of their eyes on your Soul opens the floodgates to healing tears. When someone holds you in their heart, listening deeply with words both said and unsaid, the heart rejoices… and you come to know yourself for the first time as worthy, whole and holy. In this sacred moment of time, there is love.”

I hope I have listened to you this way. I hold you in my heart….and this is what I send to you this morning, Kendra~

Isabelle